This was published 3 years ago
Opinion
My child is transitioning gender, but I feel the system makes it too easy
By Anonymous
Early last year, my teenage daughter told me she was trans and wished to transition to being male.
It has been a rollercoaster ride ever since. Her father and I want to support her in making the right choices for herself, but what has happened so far has been very troubling.
I am not conservative – in fact, I despise most of the items on the right-wing wish list – but I believe that it is too easy to get medical treatment for children to change gender.
"There are two big aspects of adolescent development which in my experience are not being adequately considered."Credit: iStock
In our experiences with healthcare professionals in this field, it seems the current approach is to assume that all patients are genuinely transgender and the only path for them is to physically transition. There does not seem to be any real consideration that the child may be experiencing a number of other psychological factors that may lead them to declare themselves transgender.
This kind of idea seems to be kryptonite in the current discussion about transgenderism, however, this is not a simple medical issue that is easily diagnosed and easily understood. We are actually talking about emotions and psychology, and a very turbulent and vulnerable time in the development of a human being from child to adult.
My daughter showed absolutely no sign of being unhappy with her gender until her early teens. Until then, she played with "girls' toys" and had only female friends. She has lots of males around her in our extended family, so there was never any time that she did not have access to "boys' toys", or boys to play with, but never showed any interest at all. Her father and I wonder if she is moving into a world that she truly understands.
We know that in the past transgenderism was rare and barely understood, with a lot of stigma, and little agreement on treatment. Trans people often battled to be heard, to seek treatment and to be accepted.
But now everything has changed. Trans rights are front and centre of many political discussions. Transgenderism is a topic that infuses plenty of youth culture. There are transgender celebrities who have identified themselves and even completed the change. It is everywhere in our current consciousness, and when you talk to people under the age of 30 you will find a lot of focus on transgenderism and sexual identity.
So the conditions for transgender children are very different to how they have been throughout history. And here is the issue: transgenderism has now become fashionable to young people.
I work with teenagers, and know them very well. It is normal now for 14-year-olds to say they are non-binary, gender fluid or pansexual. At that age, it's often not really possible to understand what those things mean, and all the complexities involved.
There are two big aspects of adolescent development which, based on my experience, are not being adequately considered. First, teenagers need to break away from their parents and form a separate identity. Part of that is developing their own unique culture that adults can't possibly be part of.
There is an enormous amount of pressure to agree, whether it's being told that your child is at high risk of suicide, or that you are harming your child and suppressing their identity.
This is normal – there have been beatniks, hippies, punks, goths, emos, and many other groups young people have embraced to shut out the older generation. Previously, teenagers dyed their hair, wore short skirts, rejected materialism, got tattoos and piercings, took drugs and listened to their own version of rock 'n' roll.
But where do young people go now, considering that their parents and grandparents have already indulged in plenty of rebellion? Right now, playing with concepts around sexual and gender identities seems to be the way that teenagers are rebelling against expectations.
Second, this transition into adulthood is a real danger point for many women. The reality is that men are larger and stronger, and while most are decent people who do the right thing, there has always been a significant portion who target women.
So when a woman's body starts to develop in puberty, she moves from the relatively safe position of childhood into a world where she will be the object of male sexual attention, including sexual harassment, and may include sexual violence (sadly, this can also be fatal violence).
This can be overwhelming for teenage girls. While some will be confident and secure, and look forward to sex, relationships and potentially motherhood, others can be frightened and feel unprepared.
We know that the teenage years are when issues like anorexia, body dysphoria, anxiety and depression can develop. I suspect that nowadays a conflicted young girl can reject her vulnerability by rejecting her femaleness.
Unfortunately, this complicates things a lot more. What is really happening inside someone's heart and mind is ultimately inaccessible for other people. Only time will tell how a child's feelings will develop. Some will passionately want to transition, and it will be the right thing for them. But I am absolutely convinced, because of the reasons I've listed, that a number will change their feelings over time.
However, I have found the professionals we have dealt with completely dismissive of this possibility. There seems to be a relentless motion towards permanent medical changes.
Even worse, there is an enormous amount of pressure to agree, whether it's repeatedly being told that your child is at very high risk of suicide, or an implication that, by not agreeing to their concepts around gender change, you are harming your child and suppressing their identity. This seems to be part of a new approach to gender distress, which I believe is highly ideological and far too simplistic.
Popular culture adds to this pressure, with any dissenting voices drowned out and a wealth of online material to reinforce to an adolescent how right they are, and how wrong we are.
We consented to testosterone treatment at the start of this year after some awful fights, and because the school support worker, whose judgment I trust, said the most important thing I have with my child is the relationship between us, and this was becoming seriously in danger.
We are the adults here, and we must make the right decisions for children. If we get it wrong, the results will be devastating in the long run, and the sense of betrayal and damage to relationships will be incredibly deep.
But in the meantime, our voices seem to have been overshadowed by shallow thinkers on both sides of the debate who want to push a particular ideology that suits the way they feel about this incredibly difficult situation.
The writer is anonymous to protect the identity of her child, who is a minor.